Tuesday’s Travel Rant: Hidden F*cking Costs

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On the Internet Since 29 May, 2012 | No comments

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I’m not even gonna rant (well, sort of not) – this is how the thought process of booking a budget airline goes:

Wow, a flight from Ukraine to Poland for $20, that’s amazing. I’ve always wanted to go Poland. I’m booking that.

What? Why’s it $45 now? Oh, right it didn’t include airport taxes and fees. Bollocks, ok well I guess it’s still good value. Confirm.

Huh? Of course I want a f*cking bag you idiot, it’s a one-way ticket, what do you think I’m gonna do there? Spend one day in these clothes, then walk around naked in Warsaw while I wait for the washing machine to clean them? Ohhhh I see, another $20 for a bag. Wait a second, so it’s the same bloody price for my bag as it is for me? That can’t be right. I should just buy another seat for my bag then! Oh, I can’t do that? Of course I can’t, that would be much too sensible. So it’s now $65, marvelous.

Pass me my credit card. Oh, there’s a fee for mastercard, $4, wow, that’s steep. Well f*ck you Ryanair/Wizz air/Baltic air etc., cos I also have a visa, so HA! WTF?! A $5 charge for visa? So how the hell do I pay without paying a fee? Oh, I can’t. Well that’s just great isn’t it. $69 now.

Bloody hell that was exhausting. Ok, so I just turn up to the airport right? My passport is enough for my ID, right? No, wait…. What’s this small print? Oh, I need to print out my boarding card or there’s a $50 fee, what?? $50 for an A2 piece of paper, wow, that sounds fair. No problem, I’ll just dig out the printer that I carry around in my backpack? Oh I must have forgotten to pack my laserprinter Ryanair, hold on while I conveniently spend the next 3 hours in a city looking for a printer. Thanks a bunch.

Finally, I paid 345% of the original advertised fee, spent a whole morning finding a printer so can I finally go to Kiev airport now please, it’s not so far from the city. Hang out, this isn’t Kiev airport, this airport is 60km outside the city, wtf?! So I have to take a taxi for $30 or a one hour bus just to get here? AND it’s the same when I land, well that’s just bloody excellent, isn’t it.

And that’s the last f*cking time I fly with you b*stards (until I see another $20 flight and get roped in again, probably next month).

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