Getting Naked and Renting out a Gay Russian Bath House

Published by Johnny Ward on May 12, 2012

So apparently Russian bath houses are all the rage, a bit like the Scandinavians and their saunas, so being the willing tourist I am I thought I’d sample a bit of it. My guidebook had it down as a ‘must see’, I was tired from sightseeing all day, perfect plan by all accounts, although apparently it was a little flawed.

Our russian bath house plunge pool!

I enquired from the hostel chick (who certainly wasn’t the brightest pea in the pod) about a cool bath house in the city, she gave me some directions and to be honest they were sketchy at best, anyways it had been a long journey to Moscow (81 hours on the train) so I went looking for the address with new found levels of motivation, eagerly awaiting a hot tub, steam room and some serious downtime.

The genius hostel girl had chosen not to write either the correct phone number OR the actual address OR even the actual name of the place so when my mates and I couldn’t find it, we’re were in a spot of bother. I asked person after person and no one knew where it was, the closest we came to someone recognizing it was an old man who didn’t know exactly but he heard there was a “gay people’s bath place” around here. Hmmmm, alarm bells should have rang then for me and my 3 (male) friends, but nope, it didn’t’ even register.

It took us over 2 hours to find the bloody place, but when I descended down the dingiest stairs into the basement of some shady building I began to wonder if this could really be the right place. I banged on the door, some creaky lock was unlatched and on we went.

The 2 staff members spoke no English so when I walked in they were shocked to say the least. They were giving us some very strange looks, casting a few giggles too, but I just put that down to us being foreigners. We tried to tell them we wanted to enter the bath house, we asked for bathing suits (unnecessary apparently) but after much laughter we finally paid our $30 and entered.

The area was pretty small, cosy would maybe be a better word however the alarm bells turned into sirens when we realised the entire place was kitted out with naked dudes and chicks on the wall, teaching the kama sutra a few new moves, I didn’t know 2 dudes could bend like that. There were not-so-personal shower rooms at the end of the corridor, and then the centre piece.. a huge (orgy?) sized circular bed, with silk streets, and a massive oval shaped mirror on the ceiling and on the wall were sitting proudly in the centre of the complex. Interesting. Suddenly the sly glances, giggles, confusion and ridicule were making a lot more sense!

Luckily enough the boys and I had clearly not made our innocent intentions clear to the Russian staff outside, but amidst the confusion it turned out we had booked the whole place out for the 4 of us, so we were safe, almost.

Not to be outdone, we stayed for our one hour session as the only dudes there, sinking our cheap booze and playing some horrible Russian hiphop. 1 litre of vodka later, ample nudity between friends, saunas and plunge pools and we made a discreet, if a little sheepish, exit from the place.

I know it’s normal to be stared at when you’re a foreigner in a new country, but the looks we got upon leaving that place should never be cast on anyone, that was a true walk of shame! I wanted to scream ‘we just had a few drinks and chilled in the sauna, it’s not what you think”, but it would be a waste of time. So I slapped my mate on the ass, and we walked back to the hostel. Happy travels!

Tags: crazy stories, moscow, trans siberian

Backpacking in Moscow – 5 Best Things I saw

Published by Johnny Ward on May 09, 2012

It only cost me $300 in visas, 10 nights on trains and too many bottles of vodka to county to finally make it here, and it was worth all the effort. Moscow, I’d heard, was in the top 5 most expensive city in the world, so when I managed to find a hostel for $15 a night I was delighted, let the sight seeing begin….

I only had 3 days in Moscow so I had to be fast. My first day was on the back of my epic 81 hour train journey from Almaty, Kazakhstan so although I’d like to tell you all that I was a trooper and powered through the entire day as if I had been sleeping sound in my own bed the previous night, that wasn’t the case! After my first shower in 4 days, a quick nap and a footlong meatball in Subway most of the day was gone but there was still enough time to squeeze in my dream, St Basil’s cathedral.

Anyone who has ever dreamt about visiting Moscow has envisaged setting your eyes on this, one of the most unique and beautiful buildings in the whole world, it’s an icon and I felt like a kid on Christmas morning when I finally laid my eyes on it. Huge bucket list item checked!

The next day we hit the sight seeing hard. First up was our second visit to Red Square, the huge area in front of St Basil’s. We arrived before midday and paid a visit to Lenin’s mausoleum. Despite his wishes to be buried in St Petersburg, Russian first premier is embalmed and on show (for free) every morning from 10am until around 1pm. It’s a pretty surreal affair to be honest, but very cool nonetheless.

Next up was the Kremlin, I paid using my Khao San Road student card (75% off thank you very much) and wondered in. The Kremlin is a huge area, and it’ll take you at least a couple of hours to wander around. There are some amazing orthodox churches to check out, amongst which Ivan the Terrible is resting. The actual government buildings are there too, as is the Armory which is an epic collection of Russian treasure from over the years. Most of the secondary places, like the armory, require extra admission fees so if you don’t have a student card to see everything costs about $45, with an ISIC card, it’s about $15.

After the Kremlin, I headed over to another UNESCO world heritage site, Church of Christ the Saviour (after Red Square, this was my second UNESCO of the day, no big deal, whatever). My mate Stalin knocked this entire place down once before, replaced it with what used to be the world’s biggest swimming pool, only for that to be knocked down and re-replaced (?!) with the Church of Christ the Saviour for a cool $360 million. Not very efficient urban planning, but an awesome church.

Next up was a 20 minute walk to a gargantuan statue of Peter the Great, sitting loud and proud on top of his disproportionately sized boat, which he is about 100X the size of. A few snaps there and you’re good to go.

I hit up a former Cold War nuclear bunker, Bunker 42,, built in the 60s, but has since been transformed into a museum. We had a Russian guide who wasn’t the US’s biggest fan, if you make it here you can watch all the Cold War information from the other side, which was really cool.

Also, there was a school outing the same day and one of the activities the kids did, red by the Russian guide, was to pretend to launch a nuclear attack on the US, complete with movie clips and everything. Madness!

My final stop was the Novodevichy Convent & Cemetery. This place is where Peter the Great imprisoned his sister so he could seize control of Russia. It’s an impressive complex that fully warrants it UNESCO World Heritage Site status, and it’s only $2 to get in. Bargain.

The cemetery next door is a who’s-who for important dead Rushkis, Boris Yeltsin is probably top of the list.

The day was almost up, in the evening I managed to pay a visit to the Moscow circus (read about that here), and had a very enjoyable evening at a gay Russian bath house (not as dodgy as it sounds, honestly). Happy travels!

Tags: moscow, top 5, trans siberian

Visiting the Russian circus in Moscow

Published by Johnny Ward on May 04, 2012

When in Rome and all that. So I finally made it to Moscow, 6000km, endless nights in trains, a huge detour through Kazakhstan but at last I’m here. I’ve dreamt about visiting Moscow for over a decade, I wanted a photo in front of St Basil’s Cathedral (check), wanted to see inside the Kremlin (check) and I wanted to go to the Russian circus (check, check, check).

At this juncture I probably should add that generally circuses aren’t usually my thing, I’m an animal lover and I worry about their welfare however with the reputation that the Moscow circus has, I hoped it would be different. So off I went.

I managed to score tickets for the 7pm show of the Nikulin circus at Tsvetnoy Bulvar Metro station. The circus was founded in 1880 so I was expecting big things. I went to the venue in the morning and paid 600 rubles ($13) for pretty good seats. The evening came and I went with 3 other friends, when we entered the venue it was everything I hoped and more.

Cotton candy, popcorn, ice-cream, coconut shys, photos with tigers and leopards – the place was going mental! My last and only circus experience had been in my small town in Ireland and I’d have been lucky if I could buy a mars bar and a can of coke, but this place is the real McCoy.

The event kicked off with a clown running amok, riling the crowd before the real performers began. Death defying trapeze artists were spinning around the venue, scores of women dancing, the live orchestra playing throughout. When they released the bears the crowd was at frenzy level, and when the bear walked (on 2 feet) to the car and began driving it around the centre of the circus, you couldn’t hear yourself think. Kids were screaming, adults applauding – it felt like something from the 1940s.

They had poodles lining up and jumping over one another, magicians pulling rabbits out of hats, the lion tamer putting his head inside the lion’s mouth, monkeys walking tight ropes – it was all happening. Whilst I still maintain a certain degree of concern for animal welfare, if you’re ever gonna visit the circus then this is the place to do it.

I lost count of the number of times I caught myself yelling “wow”, “holy sh*t”, “bl*ody hell”. It was one of the most amazing evenings of my travels, and it was a showcase of everything a circus should be. These performers were born to perform, the acrobats born to summersault, the clowns born to entertain, the dancers born to dance. There were probably over 100 active members in their troupe and they all earned their crust, the performance lasted almost 3 hours and I can safely say it genuinely was another item ticked off my bucket list. I hope you guys get to see it soon too.

Where is the Moscow Circus?

There are two longstanding circuses, but the best one is at Tsvetnoy Bulvar metro station, take a right out the exit and walk 75m.

How to get tickets for the Moscow Circus

Turn up to the venue at Tsvetnoy Bulvar on the day of the performance, and get your tickets from the box office. During the week there’s usually tickets available but on weekends you should book a day in advance

How much are tickets to the Moscow Circus?

The tickets range from 400 Rubles ($8) to 2500 Rubles ($85) depending on where you want to sit.